theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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