wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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