R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
