I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
