Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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