I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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