i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
