Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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