Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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