Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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