Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
