just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
