WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
