I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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