Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
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