So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
