I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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