I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
