I'm going to jail i love you
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
