Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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