The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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