Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
