if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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