mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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