Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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