That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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