I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
