the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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