Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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