so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
