when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
