i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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