That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
