you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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