I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
