You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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