I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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