So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
