he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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