Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just pee around me
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
