i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
