11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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