dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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