it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
