Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
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Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
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The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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