The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Floor bacon is actually really good
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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