Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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