I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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