Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
