Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
