I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize