I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I stole a fireplace last night.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
