Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
