hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
