No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
