Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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