After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
