If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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