I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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