If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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